I'm tired.

 I’m tired of feeling tired all the time and I’m fed up with asking the Doctor for help, after all they have been unable to get me a specialist for over a year now. I have more bad days then good but when I think of making an appointment, 🙄I say why bother? They just do labs & solve nothing, it’s not worth the aggravation! 

I don’t even bother to tell my husband how I’m feeling, cause why? So he can be as frustrated as I am that the doctors are failing me? It seems useless to voice complaints when nothing can be done & besides he takes care of me, so I wouldn’t want to stress him out & he get sick, he’s diabetic & had a triple bypass several years ago before I got sick. It’s just easier to deal with it on my own & suffer in silence and hope from day to day it won’t be as bad as the day before.

 I quit.

Guns & gun safes

When I first decided to purchase a gun, I started by going to "the firing range" in van nuys so I could practice with different types of guns at their indoor range. I asked lots of questions of the guys there too & they were very helpful. I obtained my safety certificate from them also, which is something you must have to shoot at a range, indoor or outdoor.  

I finally decided my 1st gun was going to be the PT92 Taurus 9mm handgun, but before I bought it, actually from the target range, I had to buy my gun safe, so now I was shopping for that. I went to Dean safes in the SFV & looked at many & thought about it for a week or so, then decided on the one pictured, I purchased it & had it delivered to my house and then went back to the target range to buy my Taurus 9mm, I of course had to wait the 15 day waiting period but once I brought her home, I was sure my children would be safe because I prepared properly to keep a gun in my home.

I had 3 kids that were all over 18 but still my priority was safety, I showed them how to operate my safe in emergencies & the gun, we even went to the range to practice a couple times together. I just wanted them to be comfortable with it & understand the basics.

I acquired the others over the next 4 years having them all by 2016. I don't go shoot as often anymore due to my health but I keep my guns clean & ready just in case, because this world is becoming more unsafe & criminals seem to have no regard for others & they don't even fear the law anymore. It's a sad society we've become, but I know I can only control MY own situation & that's exactly what I'm doing, being prepared in the event I need to protect myself or my family.

If you plan to buy a gun, be smart, be safe & be prepared.

Good morning everyone 🙂

I hope you have a great day,

No matter your religion- don't forget to pray,

Just know that if you're breathing you are blessed, 

So don't sweat the small stuff, just Do Your best!

DNR or do everything?

 

I know most people don’t like to think about this topic much less actually write out plans, but believe me if you do it, you will save yourself & your family members so much heartache that it will be worth the time. I can tell you on more than one occasion in the ER with family there during a cardiac arrest that the Dr knew he should stop because it was too far gone & the pt would never recover or be brain dead,😔 but if there was no DNR (do not resuscitate) order & the family asked us to continue we would & sadly sometimes we could get them to revive on machines but not any quality 😥 so a life of no substance & bed sores, endless suffering, just my personal opinion, I think its cruel. That’s why I say discuss it with your family, make your wishes known.

My father was very clear about what he wanted, when he had his stroke he actually recovered quite well & fast but he was clear, no surgery, no feeding tubes, nothing, his words, “if its my time it’s my time, I don’t want all that shit.” So 5 yrs after his 1st stroke I believe he suffered a second stroke, cause he couldn't swallow & we went in to my ER, they did some tests & kept him overnight but then, the dr said if he didn’t get a feeding tube he would die, and he said “send me home”. I told the doctor to set up hospice & I’d be there to take care of him and my dad died 2 days later at home, with me by his side, after my son came by with his great grandson so he could see him & he visited via Skype with my daughter & other grandkids. That was what we had talked about before he got sick and I asked the questions “would you want this or that?” Donate this or that?, cause it's the persons choice and you have to choose someone strong enough to do what You want, not what they want. If it had been my mom & he started to die at the house she would have called 911 🙄 cause she had no respect for the process, that's why he put me in charge of his care. I’m like my dad & won’t want delay of game, interference or nonsense when it’s my time & I have it all written down! 😎👌

There are plenty of versions that are pre printed and you can easily edit to choose the options you want, just search “advanced healthcare directive” CA or whatever state you're in & most importantly, talk to your loved one about your wishes, its the one thing you can’t do when the time comes 🤷‍♀️let them know where you stand on the important decisions, some people would never want to be keep alive on a machine for years, others would? Where are you? What if you had no chance of waking up? Does that change your mind? 🤔 talk about it, it matters! Don’t let the ER make this decision for you. 

My P.O.T.S disability

 

My P.O.T.S disability 

Get up, sit back down, no lay down instead,

Racing heartrate & dizziness comes, just stay in bed,

Why bother to try it's always the same, 

15mins max, upright is the name of this game,

But it's not a game, now it's life for me, 

I'm so tired of this POTS disability, 

Quality of life matters & now I have none, 

Making me feel like I'd prefer to be gone, 

I'm almost never alone but feel lonely inside, 

Showing fake happiness so my despair I can hide,

I worked so hard to be a great ER nurse,

And lost my career to this illness, this curse, 

It's a struggle to get out of bed everyday, 

I have no purpose, nothing to do or say, 

If I go anywhere I have to make sure I have a seat,

That's why everywhere I go I bring my walker with me, 

It makes me feel old and broken inside,

But needing to sit down often,  I just can't hide,

I feel so limited, it's depressing to me,

All my desires & joy are gone thanks to this disability. 

(8-6-24)

I started working with lapd

      (Written 2015)

  In December of 2012 I completed a course to become a volunteer for the Mayor's Crisis Response Team, and in the 7 weeks for the class and training I got to know much more about police officers and what they deal with etc.. I volunteered for over a year and a half but decided to part with the group because I wasn't getting any calls when I was available to be on call. I did meet some really great people in the process though.

      I saw a class being offered called "community police academy" so I took that and wow I learned so much about the inner workings of lapd and we had the opportunity to try the force option simulator at the very end,  it was so cool. The thing that stuck with me the most was a video they showed where an officer (Dinkheller) was killed on dash cam , evidently they show this to all new officers in the academy too. Ironically,  this year the man who killed him was finally executed after 17 years, even though they had it all on camera, it took that long. That is a damn shame, that his family had to live with knowing that bastard was alive all those years.  It changed how I thought and played a huge part in my becoming a supporter of law enforcement.

      I even looked into becoming a reserve officer but my knee keeps me from being able to physically qualify. So the next best thing is to try to support them and let all officers know that they have someone who cares and is behind them.

A time I felt LE failed me

     (Written 4/2015)

   I didn't always support law enforcement and I'm gonna tell you why. I was a big mouth angry teenager with little self control and had a few interactions with them that I choose not to describe. There was an occasion where I called upon them for help and was let down and it affected me for many years.

     I was engaged back in 2001 and one day we had an argument that was pretty intense,  he left so we could both cool off and that was that. Later that night he sent me a text that made me think he was gonna hurt himself and I went to the police to report him missing and told them my concerns. I wanted them to call the credit card company and see if he used his card so we could find him, but they said they would assign a detective to the case on monday, this was friday.

     Sunday morning,  which was mother's day(I STILL do Not celebrate this holiday since his death), they towed my car that he just bought me even though I showed them the papers from the dealer and the little slip in the window for dmv purposes but it was financed in his name and he was missing,  but they towed it anyway.😡 Later that night the police called me and said they were coming by and asked my name and if I knew him. I knew it was gonna be bad news. 

     They came to my apt and told me he was found dead in a hotel room and he left a note with my info and a hand written will. I, needless to say was devastated. After meeting with the coroner,  I went to the station to claim my car that they towed and that was more drama,  it was only after I broke down in tears and gave him the suicide/will  note did I get my car back. 

     I blamed them for his death for a long time (11yrs) and felt like they could have prevented it if they would have done what I asked, cause he did use his credit card to pay for the room. It took many years for me to accept that he chose to die and even if they stopped him then,  he may have just done it later anyway.

      I started nursing school a few months later and life did go on after many nights of tears, pain and guilt. 

    There was no crisis team then or at least they were not sent out to help me cope, I was told the news,  given the coroner case number and phone number to call and left alone with my kids to deal with it. I not only had to plan a funeral but had to cancel our wedding which was set to happen in 5 weeks. My pastor helped me get thru that. 

It was truly the worst time in my life and I'll tell you what happened to turn around my feelings about law enforcement and how I became one of their biggest supporters .

My worst memory in nursing school

 We were on our last rotation & working with a preceptor now so pretty much on our own, I went in the night before to pick a couple patients & do the research & be ready for the next day. I was very friendly with the nurses on the units & always talked with everyone, didn't hear any clues about what was to happen the next day.

I showed up in morning with my classmates & went in to introduce myself to my patient & let her know I’d be her student nurse for the day and my name and she replied with “I don’t want no “Ni--er" touching me I need another nurse” . I said ok Ma’am, & I walked out. I went and told my instructor & she changed the assignment but I felt so angry & humiliated at the same time, it was eating my insides up all day. I played it off like I didn’t care but did, but I also knew she was old & when you get old sometimes that true person that they were back when it was okay to talk that way comes out, so I didn't blame her, she was the patient, I was there to provide care to her, not the other way around. It was a good learning experience for my classmates in composure though, cause they got to see how I handled it 🤷‍♀️ I guess some good came out of it.

Funny how something that happened so long ago came back to me tonight as I’m being irritated by this mandate thing in LA thats largely affecting us black people & dividing us over nonsense that makes no sense because I have a medical condition & won’t make that worse by taking drugs I don’t want. I don’t care how much money a person has, they don’t own Me or My body! I decide what happens here!

Update

 I have been working on my blog & you can find a few things if you click on upper left tab. There are all my social media links & a contact form. There's a subscription link too, I hope if you enjoy reading my posts you will subscribe & share too.😊💜

Nobody knows (poem)

 Nobody knows the depth of despair I feel inside, 

They wouldn’t understand so it’s easier to hide,

Many days I wish, my life would just end,

I have lost my career, my activity & have few friends, 

At every turn I’m unable to get proper medical care,

I’m tired of trying & don’t want to go anywhere. 

I have no faith in doctors anymore at all,

A dentist ruined my face & I’m angry & appalled, 

The Mother of death appeals to me so,

Santa Muerte is with me everywhere I go,

Seems nothing goes right these days, I only feel sadness,

Wishing my time were up so I could leave this madness. 

I’m alone in my room most days & spend nights wide awake,

Frustrated with my health & the despair I can’t shake,

I feel so irritated & my cynical views have grown strong,

I either don’t trust, don’t believe or just think everyone is wrong,

I try to enjoy small things & make the best of it,

Since I got sick, my life has become nothing but shit 😞.

(Aug 2024)

Suicide series (4 poems)

Poetry written afterwards 👇

Suicide 

I know what it feels like to want to die, 

I have been there before myself, 

But when I tried to commit suicide, 

Thank God my attempt failed, 

Since then I've had a reason to live, 

My reason is my three beautiful kids,

No matter how bad my life now gets, 

I'll hang on, because of them, with no regrets, 

It's easy to slip into depression & want to die, 

But we all need a reason to stay alive, 

Cause God put us on this earth for a reason, 

We can't decide when our death is in season, 

To decide to live is to look beyond yourself, 

To realize your life affects everyone else, 

God has a plan for us all in life, 

Yes, even when we are supposed to die, 

As with everything else God gives us free will,

God also said "thou shall not kill,

I believe that includes others and self,

And God puts in our lives those who will help,

Everyone you meet is not merely by chance,

So don't judge anyone just by the first glance,

We all have a purpose that affects someone else

Reason enough not to think about just yourself, 

The road to heaven is not an easy one to drive,

But it is surely not paved with suicides,

We need to be strong & have just a bit of faith,

Let God be in charge while you run this race,

You will be rewarded down the road one day, 

When you make it to heaven & hear God say,

"Well done my child" as he opens his arms,

You will have peace & joy & be free from harm, 

A peace we will not know while in this place, 

A joy we can only know when we see his face,

There's not a good enough reason you can give Jesus Christ,

(Who died to save you,)

for your suicide

(Written 9-10-01)

__________________________________________________

Only you know why

Only you know why you did what you did, 

Your true feelings of depression you cleverly hid,

I feel so betrayed and rejected too,

Five weeks from your death I was to marry you

You ruined my wedding, my life & my love,

Your death should have been decided by God above,

It was not your choice to make but you did anyway,

Causing me pain to last forever & a day,

I know I'll never understand why,

There's no acceptable reason for suicide,

You shouldn't have done it & left me alone,

I wish my love could have kept you alive & brought you home,

You promised to never leave me & always be there,

But with what you did I feel you didn't care, 

You have hurt me so badly, I can't ever express

My heart is so crushed & my emotions a mess,

How could you have laid there & let yourself die

When you promised to marry me & share my life, 

How selfish you are to have done this thing, 

Do you know I'm wearing your wedding ring?

I look at it & think of what we could have had, 

And how much you've hurt me & made me mad

(Written after my Cory's suicide 5-13-2001)

__________________________________________________

Your Birthday 

Today is your birthday but you can't celebrate with me, 

I miss you so much I wish you were alive & here to see,

The fun we could have had, the laughs we could have shared,

I hope now at least your spirit knows I really cared, 

I'm still mad at you for leaving me & dying the way you did,

I still cry at times & feel bad but usually keep it hid, 

I will visit your grave today in honor of your birth, 

You really were the greatest man I knew on earth,

Our wedding would have been so perfect I know,  

And the love we shared would have surely grown,

It hurts so much that you killed yourself,  

Why couldn't you come to me for help,

I'm so glad you came into my life,  

I wish you would've lived long enough to let me become your wife,

You showed me what true love is all about, 

No one else will ever compare to you without a doubt, 

I keep saying I  wish, I could have,  I should have done, 

But that won't bring you back from the place you've gone, 

So until we meet again in that heavenly place, 

Forever in my heart & my mind will be your face.

(Written 9-30-2001)

_________________________________________________

Time Will Tell

Only time will tell what will become of me now

I'm not sure I even really know how

To move on in life and be who I was

I can't say why, only just because 

I will achieve my goals & become a nurse

A plan laid out and mentally rehearsed

I wish Cory could have been here to share in my joy, 

I can see his face in my mind as he says "oh boy"

He was so corny in a cute kind of way

I will never forget you, you're with me everyday. 

(Written Aug. 2001)

We're still not free (rap by LL)

 

(This was actually a rap I wrote in 87-88)

video of me reading 👇

🟪🟪 https://youtu.be/7m5t_h_B96A?si=3pEQUcwZqWIH4vh3 🟪🟪

We're still not free

He had a dream Martin Luther King, that all of us blacks would have equality,

He did his best to do it peacefully with the bus boycotts, marches & rally's,

A lot of progress was made back in those days,

But have we really come that far since the days of the slaves?

Look at what we have now & what we had then, decide for yourself, You think it's come to an end?

To be a slave back in the days, We were no more then cattle for pay or for trade,

We had to work night & day, Yes we got fed but there was no pay,

A place to sleep, most likely a barn, And if you tried to run away you could lose an arm,

They'd leave you 1 so you still could work, but try that again & you'd loose a foot,

We were made to feel we were no more than dirt, We accepted this calling to bow down & serve,

No education for blacks was allowed, last thing they wanted was a bunch of blacks in a crowd

We couldn't eat or drink just anywhere unless a posted sign for blacks was there,

These are just some of the things we had to endure, So lets see what we have now to see if we're cured

You have to work if you want to eat, And even if you wanna have a place to sleep, 

Loose an arm or foot, today I think not, Now our biggest worry is just being shot,

Some cops act like they have a license to kill, guilty or not they might shoot at will,

There's an automatic threat when they see someone black, Whether you stand or run they might shoot you in the back,

You can't go to just any restaurant when your black, Unless your the hired help coming in the back,

Yes we can go to school & learn a trade, but even that doesn’t mean that we've got it made,

Educated or not you gotta get the job, And hope you don't get interviewed by a Snob, 

So you see my friends not much has changed, Since the days when we were beaten & locked up in chains,

God bless Martin & his accomplisments, 39 years on this earth were very well spent, 

He tried to put blacks on equal ground  & for that in 68 he was shot down,

Now we're not called slaves, We're called "minorities",

A different name, but has it changed? No, we're still not free.