Inside Depression (poem by LL)

 Inside Depression 

Inside we all feel depression at one time or another, 

The cause not always known and not all can recover, 

I believe that most are scared of what their true feelings are, 

Like strange ideas of death while driving the car

Sometimes it's easier to just end it all, but most are scared of death and so they live on, 

Not really being sure of what happens after death, 

There are those that will continue to take breath after breath,

Feeling like why should I get up everyday?

Why not just lay there until my body decays?

True feelings are scary but are there anyway, 

You can ignore them all you want but they'll return another day, 

Why was I born? What's my purpose here on earth?

I believe that my life should have ended at my birth, 

So much misery and depression surrounds my heart, 

It feels as though I'm being pulled apart, 

I will not hide my feelings because they do not lie, 

And I will not let them drive me to suicide, 

Although it's the perfect solution I feel on certain days, 

I have God to face and three kids to raise. 

(Written 1992)

Video of me reading poem👇

🟪🟪 https://youtu.be/J7w-BOoFvA4?si=JMfPuC0urAmqx6Gh 🟪🟪

Keep the wall up (poem by LL)

 Keep the wall up

I lay in bed with no desire to be,

Anywhere or anything especially not me, 

If I could just float out of my body high above, 

There'd be no pain and no concern of love, 

I could just be & not feel any emotion at all, 

Time to raise a super thick, high brick wall,

And post guards around, let no one get close, 

Push everyone away that's already known, 

Don't confide, trust or lean on anyone, 

I'm done with people period, I'm done having fun,

If I can ever stop loving him I'm sure I won't love again, 

I won't let myself get that close to someone I call my friend, 

Rules to live by: you don't shit where you eat, 

And don't get hooked on anyone at work that you meet. 

(Written 4-14-09)

Poem reading by me👇

🟪🟪 https://youtu.be/v9wXNgjinzM?si=2R0_x60aM8zPcWgk 🟪🟪

Intolerable Pain (poem by LL)

Intolerable Pain

It feels like a pain I've never known,               

like the tearing of my flesh to increase the size of the hole, 

The hole in my heart from him going away,  

and rejecting me too day after day,

Mixed messages that were sent or perhaps just misread,                                                            

maybe just all in my head,

How do I go on, what do I do now?                       

I can’t sleep, I can't think, I just don't know how,

I want to just cry all day & all night,                      

I don't think I'm ever gonna feel alright, 

I want him to know how much I love him & that this makes me so sad, 

But I want him to remember all the fun times we've had, 

I've always thought of myself as strong as a rock, steady as stone, 

All I want to do these days is curl up in a ball & cry all alone, 

This pain is even beyond 'cutting', it's too much for even that to soothe,

So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

God, what did I do to deserve this?

How do I get back from this dark place I'm in?

(Written 4-3-09)

Poem reading by me👇

🟪🟪 https://youtu.be/KfaOJtqqK0o?si=fMG_NwOl3UKsl59D 🟪🟪

I'm Dead inside (poem by LL)

I'm Dead Inside

If you could look inside my chest and see, 

In the place where my heart is supposed to be, 

You'll see only darkness, hear nothing, feel cold

That's all that is left since my secret was told, 

I feel as though I'm in slow motion, almost not real, 

There are even moments I absolutely don't know if I feel, 

I keep trying to do things to snap out of it, 

But nothing works, I just don't give a shit,

I don't want to do anything but be with him, 

The one I love so deeply who is gone now, my friend, 

Now I wish I would have just lied, 

Because I'm in pain, I'm alone and I'm dead inside. 

(Written 4-12-09)

Video of me reading poem👇

🟪🟪 https://youtu.be/dpe43W493X8?si=31R3sKeEgZwOouf3 🟪🟪

Why Daddy? (poem by LL)

  (A child's view of domestic violence)      

WHY DADDY?

Why are you so mad daddy and yelling at my mom?  

What did she do this time? What did she do wrong?

Why does this happen every time you get mad?

You hit her and hit her til she's crying and sad,

Why when me and my brother get mad and fight,  

We get in trouble for it, that doesn't seem right,

I don't know what to do or even how to be,

Daddy is life always gonna be so confusing for me?

When I grow up and get married like you,  

Is my husband gonna get mad and hit me too?

If he does, should I come and tell you daddy?

Or should I be like mom and just pretend I'm happy?

(Written 1980's)

Video of me reading poem 👇

🟪🟪 https://youtu.be/lK20ykOCfMI?si=-atw_W9YNo2uPqkc 🟪🟪

Never trust a dentist

I received a letter today from my insurance company stating I'm getting a refund of over $8000 from my previous dentist. I called to complain about the still lingering bad effects from his incompetent work & they found out I was justified.  I'm glad about the money but I'm still very angry that my face is forever changed. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me & sadly it can't be fixed.

Never trust the price your dentist office gives you, always check with your insurance first and be very careful letting dentists inject you, cause you may end up with facial droop like me. I personally will never allow a dentist to inject me after this, I have switched to a dentist that offers sedation. I don't see myself going in anytime soon but I won't be injured again.